Saturday, January 28, 2006
helloooooooooooooos.
i'm feeling super lazy again. just don't feel like doing work (when do i?) especially when no one else in the house is. mom's sleeping and pa's on e phone as usual. i wish something exciting'd happen. i've just realised that the most exciting things that happen in my life are me and my friends going to watch a movie or eating lunch together. wow! how adventurous. i wonder what other dangers we might encounter on our next visit to... The Mall. but well, at least i'm safe. bored, but safe :) i really need to start planning out my days and make FULL use of them. i tend to laze around and stuff alot which i need to stop doing cause i'm really not maximising the day and end up watching tv for like 2 hours before going to bathe and then contemplate comprimising my Quiet Time time but of course i never will. it's so much more important and i enjoy it too much:) i was in one of my thinking moods the other day and i realised something. every week, i'm always needing something to look forward to. and it's really quite sad. i mean if there's an outing on saturday, my whole week will be focussed on e fact that there's something good at the end of the tunnel/week and my week'll go that much quicker. i'm always looking for things to look forward to and if i can't find one, i make one, however small it may be. like i'll ask my mom if we can go shopping after my piano lesson on saturday, or go to Thai express for lunch on sunday. i'm not really dependant on it but i still hold onto it. and i've realised now that there's a much bigger tunnel at the end of which there's something MUCH greater eh?whenever i think of going to heaven, or anticipating it, i don't think of that inheritance like alot of pastors and cell leaders ask us to. i just don't. i mean i've heard loads of sermons/cell words about looking forward to your coming inheritance especially during the hard times of your life but that's just, i don't know, unsatisfactory for me kind of. maybe it's cause i just can't understand what my inheritance (eternal and unfading joy, peace..) will feel like.maybe it's cause my conception of eternal joy has the limit it has on earth. it's just unimaginable. but God isn't. God isn't unimaginable at all. shouldn't it be the other way around?? that's what i look forward to when i think about heaven, not e inheritance, it's meeting the eternal God!!! my CREATOR. whaao. oh!!!! so our inheritance is that joy and peace we get from seeing and being with our God?? now THAT joy i can imagine. i so can't wait!!! eeeeek!!--(that was so totally poser. eeek?? eew!) i love having a blog where i can clear out my thoughts like i told anita akka. thanks for e idea ka! so i know now that through my week, i should have one and only one focus. my meeting with God and doing my best for Him so that it's guaranteed! :) oh shishkebab. mom just reminded me of all e work i've gota do. oh fiiiine. i'll see you around bloggie!!! until next time.. toodaloos!
Child of God;
2:56 AM
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
guess who's back again. well kajenny, since you're half way aorund the World and all i thought i should give a quick recap of my stress here. i can't stand school. i wish someone'd kick me out of it and i could just bum around home the rest of my life. there you go. :) nevertheless it's still been fun. e teachers just pamper you so much and actually talk to you like you're a normal human being and not just some dog going through training. no more demerits cause you FORGET to bring your textbook, no more warnings cause your shoelaces are untied, no more you shut up and i'll talk class time. we actually get to say our opinions and talk to the teachers like friends. they love us. well they desperately want us to do well but yah. same thing. (as sindhuja would put it). i seriosuly don't know what i'd do if i didn't have the few friends i do tohugh. i'd just be miserable and without friends. i just can't relate to anyone else in my class and it's not like i haven't tried it's just that they're funny, is not my funny. SERIOUSLY! anyway these few weeks have been well interesting. i learnt alot. esp from ka jenny leaving. surprisingly enough, it was worse this time. i guess it was cause we were all trying to be really strong and you could see it. and also cause it's worse once you remember again how it feels to have her around and then to let her go again. i know it sounds super sappy (i was gonna right soapy:)) but it's truuuuuue!! i was soo sad e night she left esp cause she just HAD to start crying and all. oh ka jenny. and that's kinda e last image i had of her so you can only imagine how long i remembered it. but well e thing is i really did learn alot from it. i was reminded of that verse in Matthew 10 where it says never to love your parents (or sister:)) more than God for well He IS our creator. and it's not that i feel too attached or anythin cause i'm only 16 and i have a right to be :) but i realised that what i think about EVERYONE ELSE having other things like actors, money, popularity, stories to sustain them rather that our eternal God, applies to me too. i realised that although i'd like to believe that God's the only one who sustains me, that well, He's not. my family does. the love of my family does. i'm always needing hug therapy and kisses, but these are only physical things. they'll all fade away like every other thing on this earth but God won't. He never will. and no one on earth can EVER EVER love me like He does but why is it so hard for me to love Him back? I realise now that love is much deeper. i used to think that i was so totally in love with God when i first accepted Christ like last June and He was just showering me with blessing after blessing, miracle after miracle. But now i know that all that was just so that my faith will be kept strong through memories of them and that what i felt from that was not love, it was gratefulness. love is much deeper. ( for some reason i'm reminded of that weird art film we watched in the Tait:)) it's something that's hard to grasp cause we think we're loving our King but are we really? am I really willing to give up my family for Him? But i know God understands that we'll never love Him as much as He loves us and that my earthly desire (love from other people) will be hard to break, mostly cause it's more physical, some thing you can experience more readily, but i must say, never fully fulfilling :) when i went to cell last week i found evryone else experiencing almost the same kinda trouble. Noel was also findin it hard to be sustained by God when you can't directly see him, or hug Him. Vicky was finding that going back to the basic questions of Christianity was really hard for her. abigail was startingto find comfort in God's Word and so on. so everyvody's problems were interlinked and we just did a round of prayer which really touched all of us and i could really feel God's prescence and his comforting hand on all our shoulders whispering how proud He is of us. He's relaly answering our [rayers that the cell will grow together and learn more together and we're all bonding more. we even sang the most appropriate song for all of us during cluter worship. Deeper in love. i needed to grow deeper in love with God and and fulfill that longing in my heart completely. finding the truth and fulfilling your mind's thirst for knowledge WAS one part of that completion i needed but not the main part at all. now that i've discovered that truth, i wanna be closer to that truth so that i might be secure and my life might be complete.
Child of God;
12:49 AM
