Sunday, November 26, 2006
hihihihi! so.. grad night was SOOOOOOO boring. it was probably cause of the seats we got.. but anyway i'm glad i got to take lots of pics. i think sarah's beach party yesterday was still way more fun though. her parents are so sweet and i don't care what you say sarah they ARE!!!! wellwell. i don't know what to DO. i mean there's nothing to do!!!!! somebody give me something to do! i'm so extremely bored.. at least there's musical evening tonight. you know for some reason.. i thought after my exams.. getting in tume with God again would be easy. but it's SO HARD. i hate it. i guess throughout my exams i was working for God so i always kept Him my centre.. but now.. so many other things are clouding my mind and i can't seem to keep my eyes fixed on Him. i think i've degressed a little too far in my relationship with God and this just can't go on!!!! I was reading this note i wrote to God.. i think about a year and a half ago and in e note all i did was just thank God for everything He's done for me.. from the time i started going to Church (like when i was 11) all e way up to that time when i'd just become a Christian. i mean out of the blue i just decided to do that? why? cause i loved God and i was grateful. where is that love i once had?? why is it so hard to love God even when i know how much He loves me. We sang this song in Church and it started "jesus, lover of my soul". I mean THAT'S God's love for me. He loves my SOUL. He loves my entire being, my heart, my mind, however imperfect, unconditionally. yet, it's hard for me to completely love God. it's not that i dislike Him, to any extent.. it's just that i'm still longing for human love and i know it! I want a hug, or a kiss on the cheek, but God's love is so beyond that. I've started loving people more, which is a good thing.. but not when that love exceeds your love for God. when i start wanting human affection and attention rather than God's. human love can only ever bring so much joy, only God's love satisfies. There he goes again. satan, using something good against me. it's like C.S. Lewis said (yea thanks for lending me that book ka!) satan likes to use good things to cause us to sin. like when we do something good, like resist temptation, he invokes pride in us, so that we sin because of our pride of our good deeds. so now satan's trying to se this growing love for people against me by taking my attention away from God! satan's quite smart ah? but nothing God can't handle! "Love your God with all your heart, mind and soul". I guess i just have to keep fighting through this, to keep God NO.1 in my heart! by spending time with Him, drawing strength from Him. thank You God for being so real in my life.
Child of God;
10:38 PM
Sunday, November 19, 2006
So i'm back (from outer spa-ace i just walked in to find you here- ok i'll stop.:) It's been a weird few days. I always start like that! But it's so true! My Os ended!!!!! yay? i don't know.. i'm not as happy as i expected to be. the adrenalin's stopped pumping, so i guess life isn't exactly as exciting anymore. thankfully i've actually got some stuff to do these hols unlike last time when i'd just be lazing around and then cramming all my homework in the last few days of December. I really hope i get into this christmas choir thing!!! it sounds really fun. plus i miss singing in a choir, and how else better but by praising God! that was one big problem i had with singing in a school choir.. there didn't seem to be much purpose to it. especially during concerts, when i'd have to train so hard at home and at school for that one concert.. it was hard to do it for God, to sing for God. don't know why. guess it was kinda a different world altogether. i can't say my relationship with God is MUCH better than it was in my last post. But it's improving. All God wanted me to do is dedicate proper time to Him everyday. i mean i did do my quiet time, but i never really listened to God.. i just went about doing my own thing i guess. yea i know i don't really make sense anymore. hehe. well anyway now that i've got all the time in the world i'm gonna make sure i spend most of it with God.. LISTENING. He has things to tell me, alot of which i don't think i wanna hear but i know i have to. C.S Lewis (again) put it so so aptly.. he talks about "an ignorant child who wants to go on making mudpies in the slum when he could have a holiday at sea". I've been trying to satisfy my needs with alot of earthly things, and it's now time to get back in alignment with God, cause only He can give me any true and lasting satisfaction. There's alot of things in my life that i'm doing wrong, alot of oppurtunities i'm not taking hold of and that's got to change. I really need to take hold of this time that i have to spend with God cause when school starts again, i know that time's gonna shorten more and more.. i really hope it doesn't though. I really thank God that He's so faithful especially when i'm not. He just waits for me to come back to Him, when He could just abandon me when i abandon Him. Redeemer and Friend. What a great description of God! i'll end off here before anyone reading this falls asleep :D. toodaloos!
Child of God;
3:33 PM
Monday, November 13, 2006
heyyyyyyyyyyy! it's been such a tiring few weeks. not just cause of e exams.. just cause i've been having to battle with so many temptations and i felt alot of the time like they won. the thing is.. thoughts are something i can only control to a certain extent.. which is why it's been so hard for me to overcome temptation and thoughts i know are not of God. i feel like these exams, these sins are taking me further and further away from God and i just SO BADLY wanna go back closer to Him. so many things at Youth distract me from God, i can't even worship Him properly now. i just wanna hinger for God and be as close to Him as i was when i first got to know Him last year. When there was nothing BUT Him in my life. Now there are so many distractions. SO many attachments (like to my studies) i just can't seem to completely surrender to Him everything. I got this verse from God the other day.. from Psalms.. "I trusted in Him, and I was helped". it's such a small line but that's exactly what God wants me to do. to completely trust in Him and know He's over all my problems but why is it SO HARD??? I just really miss God. does that make any sense? Although He's right beside me i've just been seperating myself from Him, with all my worldly desires and now i really really miss Him. But i know what i have to do. I'm just not really keen on doing it. I've been prizing worldly happiness over holiness, my way of living's all wrong. that seriously needs to change. TODAY.
Child of God;
4:02 AM
