Friday, April 20, 2007
hellooooooo!!! yea! i made it in time! :) wow. what on earth do i say about the last month?? it was.. hectic? busy? mad? all of e above. i didn't even feel it go past. mostly it's been cause of.. you guessed it! choir! and school and haaaiii. i really can't express it all. i miss the first three months TERRIBLY. i felt like i could fit it all in.. the work, the quiet time, the commetments, the choir practices at home and STILL have time to have fun. and now i'm no where near being up to date with my studying however much i try to convince myself i am and choir's becoming like my life. but e worst of all is that i haven't had TIME for God. now just saying it sounds ridiculous. no time for God. which just proves i'm putting alot of other things before Him.. which shouldn't be the case. at all!! shouldn't i be putting God first? MAKING time for Him? making my quiet time talking to Him my priority? but the world's telling me to put my studies first (and my choir teachers otherwise :)) i don't know what to do.. i'm lost in my own thoughts. i'm confused. i really really miss that relationship i had with God just a year and a half ago. when i first experienced Him, surrendered my life to Him. and slowly, i've just been taking more and more control of my life (or at least trying to) and slowly i've been trying to live to do good works, to be perfect to plan out my life myself! but it's impossible. i can't be perfect, ever. and i SURELY can't do this on my own. i don't have the strength or the peace. but it's so hard to let God take control. my pride's taking control.. i wanna fix my life myself. i've been trying and trying to be sinless and perfect but time and again i fail and i know this isn't what life's about. not that their not necessary but i know that however 'good' a person i try to become.. it's never gonna satisfy me or complete me. i'm never gonna have the strength to sustain it. am i making any sense at all? i need to stop living, trying to attain God's love and sense of completion by trying to 'please' Him with good works. He doesn't need that! He died on that cross for me, He's already living in me, it's my turn to let go and just be comfortable resting in God's mighty hand. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding". that's what it's all about. leaving my burdens with God,letting Him guide me instead of my stressing over every small thing. getting my priorities right is still a hard thing to do though. putting God as my aim in everything I do. so many unsettled things in my heart so many things i wanna clear up with God. but i always know that even when i'm am doubtful and unfaithful, God's faithfulness and love for me is constant and never changing. i can hope and rest in that always.
Child of God;
8:19 AM
