Friday, July 30, 2010
wow, I can't believe the last time I blogged was in... January!! I'm really not great at this blogging thing! And this is the first sign that I've been in australia too long - I want to ask you how you're doing. haha! and I don't even know if anyone even reads this thing. Both here and in the US every where you go every person you meet wants to know 'how you're going'. At first it was quite touching - but then got a bit awkward when the cashier seemed to want a full account of what i'd been up to that day and what I had planned for the weekend. Maybe it's just me and my asian upbringing but I wasn't quite prepared to stand there and share my life happenings with a complete stranger. But I've been recently coming to learn that usually when people ask me 'how are you doing?' and 'what will you be up to' they are expecting simple answers like 'good!' and 'not much!' - not the detailed descriptions that i've been providing - i'm sure i've freaked many a cashier out by now! oh well.. they were asking for it!
You know I've been thinking, why the heck do I have a blog? I mean I have a journal- I record my thoughts there, I mean who am I even talking to since I'm pretty sure no one ever reads this- yet I still want to write in it. Maybe this is one way in which I express who I am/ who I want to be to others. This is the one place I can babble on and say whatever I want for however long I want without having to really care how my 'listener' feels or will react to it. and sure you can comment, but you can't interrupt. Is this a selfish thing then? Is this self-absorbed? Why do I have this need to express myself and my thoughts and let the 'whole world' know? Then again, I think this blog helps me figure out who my 'true' self is.. in the sense that, I'm not talking to one person in particular, so I'm not trying to make that person feel comfortable or adjusting to their needs and style. I am expressing my own... I guess.
It's complicated, the self. At uni I'm doing a unit on 'The Self and Others' - and at first I was quite dreading it because it is really theoretical, philosophical - and I like real, concrete stuff. But now I realise, it's really making me think in a different way. It's making me think about the way I interact with others- how I define me, how I help others define themselves and vice versa. Really interesting stuff. And I wonder, is there a point at which you understand - you finally figure out the kinda person you are? (A friend once told me your brain only matures fully when you hit 25.. maybe then?) I guess not- not ever fully, because then I'd be undermining the work of God. He is complex, and so is His creation. But it's definitely frustrating - I'm an impatient kind of person - I want to know, everything.. now. But when you have a world full of complex people thrown into this complex situation called life with a complex God in charge of it all - it's impossible to understand everything - life is complicated. And I'll be honest, alot of the time I don't have the patience to sit around and make mistakes, take baby steps and learn, and that's my downfall. Task-oriented people like me belong behind a desk doing admin I tell you! :P So I guess in that sense having a blog is good for me- it forces me to take baby steps and figure out what i'm thinking where i'm at. Strangely enough, though it seems like I'm typing this to someone else - the person I'm really writing to is me. Not that I don't want anybody to read this (though I have no idea why they would!)- but I can't express to myself who I am (through expressing who I want to be) if there is no 'other' to express it to. and that makes me think - is who I want to be, part of who I am?? I think so. A friend of mine once told me there is no point in taking personality tests cause that's not who you are - it's who you'd like to think you are. But I'd say - who I'd like to be is very much part of who I am, even if not explicitly.
It's been a confusing year, trying to figure out who I am - who I want to be - how much that's tied in to who others want me to be. and I know for sure if not for God's grace in my life I'd have torn myself up by now, frustrated that I can't figure me out and that I'm taking this long (I know, I am quite the perfectionist). It's scary that I have all this expectation of myself, and it makes me wonder do I have it of others as well, especially those older than me, to have all the answers, to have it all figured out. And if there's one thing that keeps me sane it's that God loves me despite me - despite my confusion and dilemma, despite my brokenness and facades, despite my embarrassments and insecurities- He gives me the grace to make those mistakes, take those baby steps. Cause through Christ's death and in His eyes I am already everything I'm striving to be, everything He wants me to and created me to be. It's mysterious and strange, but true. That I can know myself to be one thing, yet know to be another in God's eyes. 'For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified' Hebrews 10:14 what kind of love is this?? it's too amazing, a Love that perfects those who believe in it. so I know I can hold on to this one Truth - in which I am completely sure of - while I tackle all the other truths life presents me (and sometimes confuses me!) with. Life is hard, but God is good.
Child of God;
6:57 PM
