Monday, October 08, 2007
hello everyone!!! they're officially OVER!!!!
hahahaha! nono don't worry this is really a new post! miracle eh aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!! i'm baaaaaaaaaaccckkk!!! i know i'ts been like 5 days since my promos ended but i think it's finall hit me! aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!! i can relaaaaxxxx at last! unfortunately.. e problem with me is.. tt's harder than actually studying sometimes :D i sit in fromt onf e tv feeing horribly guilty most of e time.. like i'm wasting my time away.. which i am.. but surely i have permission to do so now! ah anyway! my promos went horribly. so horribly i hate talking about it so i'm not going to! =) i feel sooooo much better than i ever have after any exam. this one just took too much out of me. i will forever hate burger king and delifrance in holland v. kfc's quite smart.. they don't let students study there :D in this memorable miraculous blog entry i will OFFICIALLY apologise to Karyn Ang because i didn't reply her message on monday. kaarryyynnn! i'm so so sorry! hope i didn't destroy any of your plans for today! i always do this! sorry! yupp ok actually i don't have much to say! there hasn't been much happening in my life. it's just been studying studying then watching tv being a slob.. nothing much really. oh! yesterday i saw a little girl who could hypnotise lizards!!! yaaa so gross right??? she would pick up e lizard and then rub its tummy and then it would stay in whatever position she wanted it to be in. quite cool i must say but eternally yucky. yes, this is how uneventful my life's been :D i think this whole time of studying has really taught me alot of things though.. i think throughout it i was seriously relying on my strength and i just couldn't help it!!! i really own't be surprised if i don't do well.. even if i get retatined.. cause i panicked so much during e exams.. i just couldn't seem to find e peace to trust that i could rest in God. i never did it purely for Him. and that was a horrible reality i only realised later. i think it was all e competition in my class. you can't see it on e surface but everyone was taking count. i've been thinking.. is it a good thing i'm in a competitive class? since they do make me work harder although it's for e wrong reason? i think to some extent.. it's probably a good thing.. cause they do set a good benchmark.. but when it comes to e reason for trying my best.. trying to achieve 'competitive grades' it's all bad. i would constantly be thinking about how much work my classmates were doing and then do work out of worry that i might not do as well that i might not get to next year.. i basically studied in fear. which is why i was always so stressed! it's all so dumb. Looking from God's eyes.. all of it seems so so stupid. this girl trying to do it all on her own and stressing out so much over doing a few tests. tests to just see how much she knows up till now. and stressing out and rarely turning to her Creator, the source of all her strength, the only one deserving of doing it all for. stressing out so much over her future when everything's already in His hands. poor results or not, retained or not.. God's incharge of my future!! He's got it all planned out already.. a few tests just CAN'T change His amazing plan for my life!! why do i never realise all these things like before my exams??? :D mom let me continue my prayer meetings on mondays yesterday and i was just so so blessed by it! i realised i honestly missed God. I've been separating myself from God so much i just totally forgot what it felt like to pray for like an hour and just indulge in His calming presence. and i realised how important church was.. for me especially! i needed people i was held accountable to. i needed people to bring me back to God whenever i tried to run away. so i really need to keep my life in order so i can continue to keep my commitments in church.. i still can't comprehend how faithful God can be though! so so faithful! He was always with me throughout my exams..even when i refused to be with Him. He carried me through that time.. i never broke down, i never gave up.. and it's only cause of Him. He kept bringing friends to help me with this and that. There is really no one like You God! I just realised i used that exact phrase in my previous post! yea i tihnk Go'ds really been showing me His faithfulness this year. but i still can't comprehend it! ohh! i still haven't told ya'll about my tamil oral!!! ok it was ages ago i know! but you know how i SUCK at speaking in tamil.. yea but that day was amazing!!! i was just talking to myself about e topic that came out in e morning of e exam. i just couldn't thank God more! and i actually managed to 'talk' =) until the guy told me to stop!!! they onyl asked me one question!!! aaah. God is amazing, i don't know what i'd do without You my God! as a song goes.. What can i say? What could i do? But offer this heart oh God. Completely to You.
Child of God;
11:40 PM
Sunday, July 01, 2007
hello everyone!!! they're officially OVER!!!! wooooooooohoooooooooooooo!!!! yea! feels soooo good! i feel better now than i did after my Os actually :D haha! well school's starting again tomorrow! seems so surreal! oh well.s it's back to studying again. sometimes i wish eating could be like studying. i mean you get breaks like june holidays and dec holidays to not study and relax.. and eventually at some point allt hese lectures and exams will end!!! wouldn't it be nice if we had little holidays when we could stop constrainng ourselvess and eat whatever we want and no gain weight??? NICE. yes i'm a pig. fine! anw i have two things to update on!! 1 was my eventful taxi ride to e band concert!! hahaha! it was e craziest thing. on e 20th i was supposed to go for this band concert at vch right but SURPRISINGLY enough i totally forgot! :D and so i ended up having to take a cab from e jurong east library. and well i only had like 9 bucks so i took 4 bucks from Prabs assuming 13'd be enough... yea you can guess e end but e thing is while i was in e taxi i was so sure that there was enough so i was comfotably sitting there hoping to get there quickly.. so we're around queenstown and i look at e meter -10.00 and i thought ok maybe might make it.. then i looked closer and i see a little 2dollar surcharge at e corner. NICE i thought. and THEN i started getting really scared cause i've never been in tt kinda situation before without somone waiting for me at my destination stocked with cash :D so i start praying and i just KNEW this was a test of faith. i kept praying that i would have enough money cause my God is a God over the impossible right ? :D and then through all this worrying and prayer God reminded me of how when Jesus fed the 5000 with those 5 loaves and 2 fish there were left over! and i thought maybe God meant i would have more than needed for the ride! that whole taxi ride was quite an experience.. having all those thoughts of reality hitting me while i knew God wasn't contrained by anything and that He could do anything! gosh. i'm so serious when i say when i checked my wallet i exactly only had 13.80 in it!! i'm SO serious. and the when is aw e meter hit 13.50 i started telling e uncle that i couldn't pay definitely and could he drop me off at an mrt station? i felt like God had let me down. anyway this driver couldn't seem to understand me so he kept driving beyond e 13.80 mark and check my wallet agina.. who knows why! and AMZINGLY i found a 1.40 more!!! can you believe it! i thought i was gonna faint! but well it still wasn't enough in e end. but e unclke insisted he got me there and when i got here i apologised profusely and emptied my wallet into his hands. and then he refused to take it from me!!! he kept tyring to shove $2 back into my hands cause he said i should have some money with me to go home!!! SO SWEET RIGHT????? i mean i owed him quite alot of money at e end (but i don't know how much cause that sweet man switched off his meter half way!:)) and then i just kept thinking about all that happened and i could see so clearly what God was telling me (and all e more clearly now) Basically God was telling me never to lose faith in Him and never to lose hope even when what i ask for doesn't happen! cause God knows best! but to just trust that God will save me in ANY situation! but it's up to Him how He does that. you know when i saw those extra coins in my wallet it was like God telling me He could do that if He wanted to.. and Him bringing that memory of that story COULD have been because i'd have money left over, but that's not how He planned the end! although He had the power to do it, He didn't, cause He is God and He knows best and He had sometinhg else planned! yea! God is amazing! all this is making me think i had better write in thanking that taxi driver soon! i'm sure it's part of God's plan! maybe that's why it had to end like that! either way! God's always in control and i thank You my Lord and my God!there's no one like You! i think this post is a tad too long! i shall post abt my tamil oral next time then! toodles! :D
Child of God;
11:49 PM
Thursday, June 07, 2007
hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!! i'm back! alas! haha! sorry about missing e last one peeps!! i just totally forgot. anyway lots has happened and i'm not so sure what to start with first!!! FIRSTLY, i just wanna thank EVERYONE who came for e choir concert!! my fams and friends THANK YOU! it did mean alot to me. just after all those practice sessions to try and bless ya'll with our music was.. fulfilling :D anyway, ka jenny's BACK!!!! woohooo!everything kinda changes around here when she's back (whether you notice it or not ka jenny) really! it's like a part of us comes back, and we're.. one again! hehe. oh wells! love you lots lots lots ka jenny!!! we just came back from bali!! so i'm alot more energy to post now! hehe. bali was amazing! well, the villa was anyway! we were totally pampered (thanks mommy!!) and relaxed.. something i hadn't felt in a looong while :D so i decided i would type about 10 things i learnt in bali (don't ask why i'm in a queer mood) : 1. bali's expensive man! 2.no one can quite make tomato sambal like mom does! :) 3. i CANNOT get pampered without feeling extremely guilty 4. i need to spend more alone time with God!!! 5. bali has the cutest children on the face of this earth 6. there's no place like home (singapore :D) 7. i still wanna become a farmer (it's now more appealing than ever!) 8. the bali-lizards are different from singapore-lizards! :D oh oh!! yes i saw some of the weirdest insects!! AND AND AND at one point, i was either sitting on/beside a HUGE cockroach. it was seriously huge! actually.. it was more like.. long. ughughugh. 9. watching a movie with your family is a must during any holiday! 10. and of course bali's rich heritage and art work and all that :p and that's about it!!! oh ya! and that my family's weirder than i thought! but then again who am i to speak :) i've beenr eading this book which i got for x-mas. what's so amazing about grace and it's really given me a while new perspective on things. about guilt, about forgiveness and grace. i think most of all these holidays i made a commitment to live my life with more grace and LOVE. doing my quiet time in bali many verses just jumped out at me and God's just been leading me in e way i should be going in school esp.people i should be loving more, things i should be doing less. i've been reading the old testament for my wuiet time and i've always thought there wasn't much for me to learn from it but boy was i wrong! i realised it was about reading and then thinking about how God wanted me to use that piece of scripture in my life now in my context. one verse that really stood out for me was from Deuteronomy 5: So be careful to do what the Lord your God has commanded you; do not turn aside to the right or to the left. Walk in all the way that the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live and prosper and prolong your days in the land that you will possess - Deuteronomy 5:32-33 Well God was speaking to Moses and instructing him on how to lead the Israelites but i know He was speaking to me too. that verse reminded me of the famous verse in Hebrews - let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles , and let us run with perseverence the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. i can't be turning left or right wanting to indulge in this or that sin, wanting to plan my own life and try to lead it another way that's not of God. i gotta keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and go in e path He's planned for me. and i gotta keep praying and lettin God lead me int hat way, i think i've gotten way off track. trying to control my life by myslef. i just gotta let go and let God! it's the only way :D and i have a horrible feleing that UNFORTUNATELY enough, God's plan ISN'T for me to become a farmer. although it still is my dream.. to work on the paddi fields.. and mainly not study.. ahhh.. oh wells. i gotta study now. acuse there's no land in singapore anyway. and i can then probably only go into hydroponics and i've totally gone out of point already. okaysss. love you all! but i have to return to my work! :) toodles!
Child of God;
8:16 PM
Friday, April 20, 2007
hellooooooo!!! yea! i made it in time! :) wow. what on earth do i say about the last month?? it was.. hectic? busy? mad? all of e above. i didn't even feel it go past. mostly it's been cause of.. you guessed it! choir! and school and haaaiii. i really can't express it all. i miss the first three months TERRIBLY. i felt like i could fit it all in.. the work, the quiet time, the commetments, the choir practices at home and STILL have time to have fun. and now i'm no where near being up to date with my studying however much i try to convince myself i am and choir's becoming like my life. but e worst of all is that i haven't had TIME for God. now just saying it sounds ridiculous. no time for God. which just proves i'm putting alot of other things before Him.. which shouldn't be the case. at all!! shouldn't i be putting God first? MAKING time for Him? making my quiet time talking to Him my priority? but the world's telling me to put my studies first (and my choir teachers otherwise :)) i don't know what to do.. i'm lost in my own thoughts. i'm confused. i really really miss that relationship i had with God just a year and a half ago. when i first experienced Him, surrendered my life to Him. and slowly, i've just been taking more and more control of my life (or at least trying to) and slowly i've been trying to live to do good works, to be perfect to plan out my life myself! but it's impossible. i can't be perfect, ever. and i SURELY can't do this on my own. i don't have the strength or the peace. but it's so hard to let God take control. my pride's taking control.. i wanna fix my life myself. i've been trying and trying to be sinless and perfect but time and again i fail and i know this isn't what life's about. not that their not necessary but i know that however 'good' a person i try to become.. it's never gonna satisfy me or complete me. i'm never gonna have the strength to sustain it. am i making any sense at all? i need to stop living, trying to attain God's love and sense of completion by trying to 'please' Him with good works. He doesn't need that! He died on that cross for me, He's already living in me, it's my turn to let go and just be comfortable resting in God's mighty hand. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding". that's what it's all about. leaving my burdens with God,letting Him guide me instead of my stressing over every small thing. getting my priorities right is still a hard thing to do though. putting God as my aim in everything I do. so many unsettled things in my heart so many things i wanna clear up with God. but i always know that even when i'm am doubtful and unfaithful, God's faithfulness and love for me is constant and never changing. i can hope and rest in that always.
Child of God;
8:19 AM
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
hiiiiiiii! since everyone is just DYING to read one of my posts i've decided.. to post :D. ohhh i don't know what to say. these past few weeks have been kinda.. surreal. choir has offdicially taken over my life.. i'm still not a fan of leading cell.. my class has expanded so i have to make friends AGAIN..and i'm feeling even MORE inadequate at choir recently. i don't know.. i really have nothing much else to say peeps. i'm just trying to get back on track with God. i feel like i'm starting to set my eyes on other things. God keeps reminding me that i have to run this race for Him, with my eyes fixed on Him. for His glory, and cause it's e best way to live life, completely focused on what He'd want me to do in every situation and just completely dependant on Him cause i'm gonna end up no where relying on my own strength. i really thank God for last week's cell (bible study group) session though. e last time i lead cell i finished in like 15mins and i was running through all e material and just saying out everything i'd written down. and so last week i met up with my cell leaders and Amaria talked about God speaking through me, and i just being His mouthbox. and it felt so so impossible. i felt like i was in no poistion to discern God's voice at that point but i just prayed in faith that i would and He delivered of course :D. i could feel God putting ideas and answers in my head that were not down on my paper and just leading the group into discussion during cell least week. i get it now. it's NOT about me. it's about God, speaking to us and teaching us. it's been hard devoting time to God everyday esp since choir started but i know now that choir is NOT WORTH that. i have to make time for my God, cause in e end, when i'm standing before Him on judgement day neither choir nor school nor results are gonna matter.. it's about whether or not i live my life as an offering to my King. I've actually been quite sad about my O-level results. i guess i didn't expect it. but now i remmber while studying, how much i had to keep my mind off doing it to do well, and keep it on doing my best for my God and leaving e rest to Him. how can i just forget all that now? you know what, God gave me e best results possible i thank Him! cause those results were humbling! during my prelims GOd showed me just how much He was in control of my marks (cause i honestly thought i was gonna get like 20 points) and again He's shown me that. He didn't let any pride seep in, esp when i THOUGHT i was gonna do well. God is so so good. so i've really gotta keep my priorities straight and give God e time He deserves. He didn't die on the cross for nothing. He died to cleanse me of sin and to form a relationship with me and lead me into eternal life. how can i turn away from a God that wants to sit by my side and talk to me and teach me in ways i can't even understand? You gave your life for me so i will live my life for You.
Child of God;
6:41 PM
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
hey ya'll!!!! (sorry can't do it as well as sindhuja :D) wow it feels so good to just be able to sit here and blog. my weeks have been so so so tiring. it's mostly because of choir. i mean it's fun, but it's so so so much practice and training!!!!! i feel quite inadequate in choir alot of e time. i mean to have all these perfect-pitched, sight-singing genius, confident friends for choir mates is super terrifying. i'm not quite sure i'm cut out for AC choir after all. but i'm just gonna continue anyway.. who knows, i might learn something out of it all eventually. i think what i really need to do now is to stop caring about what e people around me think and just try and improve myself. unfortunately that's not e easiest thing for self-conscious me to do :p. i just realised how long i haven't posted for! haha! well i'm in a new class now and i feel so so blessed cause they're really really nice people who finish their homework!!!! wooohooo! yah AC has been a good refreshing start to the year and i'm glad i'm here, however tiring it is. prabs came to AC!!!! haha! so now we've been to each other's schools! and i think one thing i felt (prabs probably did too) is that both our schools are just so suited for each other and it wouldn't have made much sense if either of us was in the other's school. we don't need each other as much as we did in crescent eh?? i think God's just been so good to us. to give us e same psle agg and everything! i personally really needed prabs with me after fairfield in crescent, to keep me on track and bring me back to my senses! :D and His timing for us to take our different paths has just been so good, e transition from 2S2 to our different classes and then eventually to different schools. thank God for prabs!!! thank God for sindhuja and sarah!!! i really needed them in sec3 and 4, we were such a posse/clique however much we tried to deny it and socialise :) you guys were such wonderful company, people i knew i could always stick with and that would stick with me. God's blessed me with friends that are so like me!! and so so LOYAL. thank you guys :) i think i'm really prone to complaining about my present circumstances and i forget how wonderfully amazing my life has been.sindhuja! i love hearing about your texas life!!(esp cause mine's nowhere as exciting:) [see how i complain!!]) you know WHAT?? you should start writing a journal/book about your life there. how it's different from asian life, their morals or practices or fitting in or e assumptions we have about western living that are totally wrong and all that!! seriously. and make your own personal book! hehe. well i've gotta go and practice my choir songs. promise i'll try my best to post as often as possible! love you all lots lots lots friends and family!! (p.s. shaks if you're reading this, thanks for e super organic chocolate and fun filled weekend :D love you much!)
Child of God;
12:10 AM
Saturday, January 20, 2007
hiiiiiiiiiiii!!!! wow it's been a loooong time since i've blogged!! rocking out with Brian Littrell now! best cd we ever got ka jenny! thanks!!!! so a new year's begun again and so many things have changed.. friends, school, teachers, classes, cca.. but i think it's been relatively good lah. i mean there's lots that i don't like about AC and about starting anew again, but i know it can only make me grow up, so yes, it's been good. let me start with my main New Year's resolution. yes, it took me this long to figure it out but i've finally decided. This year, i want to be thankful and thus joyful ALWAYS, in every circumstance. it sounds quite impossible at this point but.. "the joy of the Lord is my strength"! i know it's gonna be a tough year, but i think this is God's aim for me as well. so.. about AC. orientaion was actually quite tough on me. the first few days, it was quite hard making friends, but i kinda expected it cause i've never been very good at making friends.. everyone in my og is kind of from different worlds so we all had to get through quite a few awkward silences but through it all God has been so good! on Friday (3rd day of school) i joined the Christian Fellowship (it's a cca!) for morning prayer and we all prayed for the OGs and for bonding and stuff and Friday was so so much better! made more friends so the Saturday campfire was really fun! never knew how much having friends could make my day. got quite nicely dirty and muddy during the games, but being the nerd i unfortunately am i really couldn't wait for the lectures and classes! hehe. so after a whole lot of deliberation i'm taking H2 math,chem,econs, KI H1 physics. i know, i'm crazy right? :D i just wanted to try everything out before i make my decision in 2 months.. one thing that's really quite disgusting in AC though is that everyone, esp e guys are REALLY vulgar. it's like nothing to them.. so it's been quite trying having to keep filtering all e bad stuff out. like on e first class table i ever sat at, a swear word was carved on it and beside it was the reflection of the same word. nice. i just got my class on wednesday.. and GUESS WHO'S IN MY CLASS???? KARYN!!!!!! i know!! partners forever. :D GUESS WHO ELSE???? CLARE!!!!! yea.. i'm super blessed! there's also this guy Abraham from my church who's in my class too so as i said before.. God's been so so good. i got into AC choir! and i know it's gonna be tough but i can't wait for e first practice! it's gonna be real soon! i'm really sorry if this entry has been a bit.. um.. weird.. cause i was really sick this morning and i accidentally took my mom's really really powerful expensive medicine including mine.. (it was in e same bag!!:)) so i'm still suffering from the side-effects although my sickness has really decreased. just feeling so heavy, lethargic and a little dizzy. so anyway.. time to start making friends all over again cause i've got about 21 people in my class i still don't know. i'm just so so tired.. not like sleepy tired though. i've just had so many things to do this week. so many sacrifices i've had to make, so many decisions, so much confusion as to what God wants me to do. and now this sickness.. i'm exhausted. 3 things i think God's been speaking to me about though. 1. He will guide me through everything, i don't need to worry 2. keep smiling, keep being thankful 3.He will give me rest, just keep trusting in His unsurpassing peace. so not much has happened at school yet.. and when it gets more interesting i promise to post some more.. i'm gonna try and put up two or three songs (by Brian of course!) that are really close to my heart so go check em out people! (if i ever manage to get em up :)) FRIENDS, i love you all so so so much!!! i WILL see you guys soon! ummmmuah!
Child of God;
4:19 AM
Saturday, December 30, 2006
wow so much has happened since my last post.. where on earth do i start? well firstly to my dear Sindhuja.. HIIII!!! i bet you're having e time of your life in Texas! I think it still hasn't really sunk in for me that you're gone that i'll probably never see you again. actually.. i'll probably never see most of my close friends again.. i mean we're all gonna be trying so hard to make new ones. well anyway.. let me start off with my Laos trip. you know surprisingly.. i think it was more amazing after it finished. i think probably the best thing i took out of it was just the prayerful attitude of everyone.. and becoming more aware of spiritual attacks..weather sickness or oppression/depression. i mean it was wonderful (sometimes really really tiring) being with the kids but i think just being with God in that land which He loves was even more wonderful. I kept feeling in that country that whatever foreign Gods the people served God still thought the people were beautiful, and they were precious to Him. mommy really found her calling in Laos, to teach.and i think it seriously came at the most appropriate time in her life and i honestly thank God for that. we had devotions in the morning and debrief at night and during both of which we prayed and we even had prayer walks during the day! and i realised i really don't pray enough!!! i mean i have all the freedom in the World to pray.. on the bus while i'm walking all i have to do is talk to God in my heart and surely that is a channel to God that i haven't been using and has gone a bit rusty. lead a prayerful life.. now i get it. talk to God whenever you can and more importantly listen to what He has to tell you. that's gonna be one of my resolutions next year.. to get to know my God better and use this freedom He's given me through His death!! this present of prayer! singing with the church choir was really fun too! and one thing i realised was that being with a community of christians really helped me to stay focussed on God! My baptism was really really interesting.. i mean everyone kept saying i'm so excited for you before i got baptised but honestly i was all that excited about it.. i was more excited about singing in e choir to tell you the truth.. i don't know.. i guess cause i kinda felt like I'd already been baptised, like i'm already a Christian.. this thing was just to let everyone else know.. if you know what i mean.. cause in the days of the New testament.. people got baptised the minute they accepted Christ. But during the actual baptism it was so different.. especially when i took off all those soggy black clothes and put on my fresh white clothes it seriously felt like i was tearing off my old self and becoming new in Christ. i felt finally ready to fight anything that Satan might bring my way with my belt of truth, my helmet of faith and the sword of the Spirit. i felt new nad i thank God so much for using something i thought was useless to change me. thank you God. but isn't that what He always does? He takes prostitutes (Rahab--i think that's her name :)), liars/cheaters (Jacob), blasphemers (Saul) and transforms them and uses them in mighty ways. God is so amazing.. that a holy God would love change and USE imperfection. wow God of all grace and love You're awesome!! well i better continue in another post some other time cause this has gotten quite lengthy and i better leave. toodaloos bloggie!
Child of God;
12:03 AM
Monday, December 18, 2006
hey hey! yea i know it's been a looooooooooooong time since i last blogged. and i have so much to say! where shall i start... youth camp!! i must admit i didn't like it much on the first day cause i didn't know a single person in my group but once we started playing all e weird games it didn't really matter much anymore. the night sessions/sermons were amazing. This guy named Gary (not sure if he's a pastor) spoke two nights and he's hilarious.. it was alot about boy-girl relationships and he really helped me keep it in persepective, to keep it God-centred. one thing that really hit me during his sermons was e fact that i didn't really have a constant mentor i could ask questions to and share problems with at church.. so maybe i should get one hehe. but i think e best parts of e whole camp were just my quiet times with God. God broke alot of bondages during that camp and brought me that one step closer to Him. Thank You so much God. one thing He taught me is that He's always in control.. all He calls us to do when we face a problem is pray and perservere with faith that He'll take away that burden and He did! He spoke to me through Psalm 42 : "Why are you so downcast oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God for I will yet praise Him, my Saviour and my God".-- that line especially. i'd been feeling really apart from God for a long time now and God reminded me to continue to have faith and hope in Him and to always be joyful, prayerful, thankful and to always priase God whatever the circumstances. it all ended off with the baptism retreat which was a really good closure for it all. It was basically prayer for the filling of the Holy Spirit in our hearts and as Sarah prayed for me i couldn't help but cry my heart out as His spirit convicted me of God's love. that He could love me despite my many willingly done sins that He remained faithful throughout my unfaithfulness. that He loved my whole being with a constant unconditional love despite my love for Him depending on my mood. This amazing God i will forever praise.
Child of God;
5:25 PM
Sunday, November 26, 2006
hihihihi! so.. grad night was SOOOOOOO boring. it was probably cause of the seats we got.. but anyway i'm glad i got to take lots of pics. i think sarah's beach party yesterday was still way more fun though. her parents are so sweet and i don't care what you say sarah they ARE!!!! wellwell. i don't know what to DO. i mean there's nothing to do!!!!! somebody give me something to do! i'm so extremely bored.. at least there's musical evening tonight. you know for some reason.. i thought after my exams.. getting in tume with God again would be easy. but it's SO HARD. i hate it. i guess throughout my exams i was working for God so i always kept Him my centre.. but now.. so many other things are clouding my mind and i can't seem to keep my eyes fixed on Him. i think i've degressed a little too far in my relationship with God and this just can't go on!!!! I was reading this note i wrote to God.. i think about a year and a half ago and in e note all i did was just thank God for everything He's done for me.. from the time i started going to Church (like when i was 11) all e way up to that time when i'd just become a Christian. i mean out of the blue i just decided to do that? why? cause i loved God and i was grateful. where is that love i once had?? why is it so hard to love God even when i know how much He loves me. We sang this song in Church and it started "jesus, lover of my soul". I mean THAT'S God's love for me. He loves my SOUL. He loves my entire being, my heart, my mind, however imperfect, unconditionally. yet, it's hard for me to completely love God. it's not that i dislike Him, to any extent.. it's just that i'm still longing for human love and i know it! I want a hug, or a kiss on the cheek, but God's love is so beyond that. I've started loving people more, which is a good thing.. but not when that love exceeds your love for God. when i start wanting human affection and attention rather than God's. human love can only ever bring so much joy, only God's love satisfies. There he goes again. satan, using something good against me. it's like C.S. Lewis said (yea thanks for lending me that book ka!) satan likes to use good things to cause us to sin. like when we do something good, like resist temptation, he invokes pride in us, so that we sin because of our pride of our good deeds. so now satan's trying to se this growing love for people against me by taking my attention away from God! satan's quite smart ah? but nothing God can't handle! "Love your God with all your heart, mind and soul". I guess i just have to keep fighting through this, to keep God NO.1 in my heart! by spending time with Him, drawing strength from Him. thank You God for being so real in my life.
Child of God;
10:38 PM
Sunday, November 19, 2006
So i'm back (from outer spa-ace i just walked in to find you here- ok i'll stop.:) It's been a weird few days. I always start like that! But it's so true! My Os ended!!!!! yay? i don't know.. i'm not as happy as i expected to be. the adrenalin's stopped pumping, so i guess life isn't exactly as exciting anymore. thankfully i've actually got some stuff to do these hols unlike last time when i'd just be lazing around and then cramming all my homework in the last few days of December. I really hope i get into this christmas choir thing!!! it sounds really fun. plus i miss singing in a choir, and how else better but by praising God! that was one big problem i had with singing in a school choir.. there didn't seem to be much purpose to it. especially during concerts, when i'd have to train so hard at home and at school for that one concert.. it was hard to do it for God, to sing for God. don't know why. guess it was kinda a different world altogether. i can't say my relationship with God is MUCH better than it was in my last post. But it's improving. All God wanted me to do is dedicate proper time to Him everyday. i mean i did do my quiet time, but i never really listened to God.. i just went about doing my own thing i guess. yea i know i don't really make sense anymore. hehe. well anyway now that i've got all the time in the world i'm gonna make sure i spend most of it with God.. LISTENING. He has things to tell me, alot of which i don't think i wanna hear but i know i have to. C.S Lewis (again) put it so so aptly.. he talks about "an ignorant child who wants to go on making mudpies in the slum when he could have a holiday at sea". I've been trying to satisfy my needs with alot of earthly things, and it's now time to get back in alignment with God, cause only He can give me any true and lasting satisfaction. There's alot of things in my life that i'm doing wrong, alot of oppurtunities i'm not taking hold of and that's got to change. I really need to take hold of this time that i have to spend with God cause when school starts again, i know that time's gonna shorten more and more.. i really hope it doesn't though. I really thank God that He's so faithful especially when i'm not. He just waits for me to come back to Him, when He could just abandon me when i abandon Him. Redeemer and Friend. What a great description of God! i'll end off here before anyone reading this falls asleep :D. toodaloos!
Child of God;
3:33 PM
Monday, November 13, 2006
heyyyyyyyyyyy! it's been such a tiring few weeks. not just cause of e exams.. just cause i've been having to battle with so many temptations and i felt alot of the time like they won. the thing is.. thoughts are something i can only control to a certain extent.. which is why it's been so hard for me to overcome temptation and thoughts i know are not of God. i feel like these exams, these sins are taking me further and further away from God and i just SO BADLY wanna go back closer to Him. so many things at Youth distract me from God, i can't even worship Him properly now. i just wanna hinger for God and be as close to Him as i was when i first got to know Him last year. When there was nothing BUT Him in my life. Now there are so many distractions. SO many attachments (like to my studies) i just can't seem to completely surrender to Him everything. I got this verse from God the other day.. from Psalms.. "I trusted in Him, and I was helped". it's such a small line but that's exactly what God wants me to do. to completely trust in Him and know He's over all my problems but why is it SO HARD??? I just really miss God. does that make any sense? Although He's right beside me i've just been seperating myself from Him, with all my worldly desires and now i really really miss Him. But i know what i have to do. I'm just not really keen on doing it. I've been prizing worldly happiness over holiness, my way of living's all wrong. that seriously needs to change. TODAY.
Child of God;
4:02 AM
Monday, October 23, 2006
hiiiiiii vance again! :) it's monday! just came back from school and i'm blogging while e waterh eats up up up! haven't been able to update cause of all e studying i've had to do. in fact it's really been quite stressful, and i haven't been this joyous all last week. i don't know.. i got mad at myself alot for not doing enough work, i just got very sick of life and of work. i've been battling with new found sins in my life as well so it's just been quite hectic and honestly, way tiring. i think what made it all worse was that i was mad at myself, condemning myself even when i knew God Himself wasn't. But i learnt some really valuable lessons through all that and i really thank God for it. i mean they're simple stuff, but i guess i just get so caught up in everything i tend to forget alot. i realised that when God calls us to be perfect, He doesn't expect us to be, He just expects us to always be striving toward it, to put my best into trying to be perfect. cause fact is, none of us can ever be perfect, we will always have sin in our lives, only God is. and i think alot of the time, i forgot that. i forgot how very human i am, and every day i just got more and more depressed that i wasn't getting anywhere near perfect with all my slacking and pride and i just forgot the basic truth of Christianity itself! Jesus died for our sins, He cleansed me of my sin!! He took e punishment for my sin that God's wrath was displayed on Him rather than me. God doesn't condemn me. He knows i can never be perfect or He wouldn't have died on that cross at all. I don't think He wants me to be depressed about the fact that i can never attain perfection, He knows that, I think He'd rather me rejoice in the fact that even when i do sin and stray from perfection, i've been forgiven of that very sin a long long time ago so.. WOOHOO! :D oh and thank You God for not letting it rain before i got home! while i was walking home, this song kept ringing in my head and it really comforted me. it just reminded me how much God is in control of every situation every single tiny problem that happens in my life and just how i can always depend on Him and hope in Him through every little thing, cause HE IS GOD. The Creator God! Who compares to Him? My security lies in You alone! :D
God, is bigger than the air I breathe
the World we'll leave
and God, will save the day,
and all will say,
my Glorious!!
Child of God;
2:04 AM
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm just so in shock and joy and awe and.. and.. i just can't express it in words!!!!!!!!! so amazing! God is SO amazing!! i got my results today! and HONESTLY, i was expecting to do REALLY badly, especially for my SS and Lit and english and tamil and everything else la! cause i really messed up my papers and i just went to school today expecting the WORSE. actually, the worse wasn't really the worst, it was more like reality. but God didn't let it happen and i feel SO undeserving!!! i really don't deserve any of those marks! and now i can fully understand what my sis means when she constantly says "it was all God!" i honestly couldn't understand it, but now i do!! it's like God marked my paper and gave me all those marks i don't deserve. but i tihnk He's telling me now that i have to stop focusing on the marks. i mean, to continue thanking and praising Him for them and rejoicing in them but to never lose focus of what is most important. I have to keep working hard, and not just during my exams, cause i know that's what He wants me to do. to always be putting in my best and using the abilities He's given me and to glorify His name cause He alone is worthy of all praise! Thank you God! sooo much! i was actually hoping for bad marks before this cause i was hoping it'd be a way of lessening my pride, but for some reason, this whole experience has brought me to a certain level of humility, cause God really showed me that i can't do anything, ANYTHING on my own and He's shown me once again His great power and mercy and goodness! it's just so amazing that God's love for disgusting sinful me is so great that i can't even imagine it, that the Heavens can't hold it!! I thank You so much God that You let me get to know You.
Child of God;
1:15 AM
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
hi!! it's been forever since i blogged i know. my prelims were really bad.. i mean the papers were terribly difficult and i made the stupidest mistajes and got caught in the worst ever situations. long story. but basically, i think God was trying to teach me a big lesson that's still hard for me to learn. it's not about the marks. it's about doing my best.. i mean HOW many times have blogged about this right? but i guess i really needed a few experiences to get it right in my head. i mean, i'm still working toward the exams.. OBVIOUSLY, cause if i weren't i wouldn't be studing so much just now when my exams are approaching, i'd be studying just as hard all year round if my aim werejust to always do my best for God right? so i guess exams still have a certain hold on me that i need God's help to break down. God REALLY helped me throughout my tamil exam. i mean i don't usually ask God for answers, just clarity of mind.. but during my tamil exam i oculdn't remember quite a few words that i'd learnt for the compo and i would pray and it would ocme zooming back into my mind a few seconds later. God is sooo good! and the title that came out was EXACTLY what we'd been preparing!!! me and my dad that is. God you Rock! (can be taken literally as well if you know what i mean:)) and also i think i was alot trying to do it all for God, i forgot to do it WITH Him. i forgot to draw strength from God and tried to depend on my own strength (which is really nothing) and ended up really stressed out in the end. so dumb!! anyway.. e studying starts all over again! it's been a hard time of testing and recognising sins that i never realised before that i had like envy and pride. alot of which comes from a lack of security i should think, but God's been helping me so much, and growing me so much through all those problems however much i despised them when i was having them. it's still very hard to humble myself.. but i have e greatest role model by my side and i know He'll help me get through this. I mean if Him coming down to earth, suffering earthly pain on the cross for our sake isn't humility i don't know what is.. it just feels like a very unachievable task right now.. ah well. i'm gonna go for a run now! after a LONG LONG time. see ya!
Child of God;
3:41 PM
Sunday, September 03, 2006
hi! i can't make this very long, so i'll try to summarise everything that's been happening. I'm still struggling quite badly with my pride, but God's been bringing alot of people to talk to me and explain things out to me which is great! Pastor Joshua has really been such a blessing. Every one of his sermons are just so applicable to my life then that i just wanna thank God so much for bringing him here! I've been experiencing so much of God's mercy it's unbelievable. i've succumb to alot of temptation this past week and it's just been so hard for me to live with myself, and i sometimes wish God would just punish me like with some huge rod :D. But that's just what's so amazing about God. God IS love. God IS mercy. mercy and love that's just SO unconceivable to me!!! i can't even imagine it! the universe couldn't hold God's love for me! Thank you God! God's given me a goal to work towards now, He gave me this verse from Hebrews about fixing my eyes on Christ through everything i do! and about going on the path marked out for me by God. that's my aim now, and hopefully always. My spiritual journey is really hard to put in words here but i've tried my best. BASICALLY, God's just shown me such mercy, grace and love and the skies couldn't contain my thank yous! and Prabs!! if you're reading this, i just wanna say you've got such a wonderful heart for appreciating nature and the stars at night and you take notice of things that seem so small to others (like e cutting down of that tree!) and how you're so fascinated with the brain and everything! your appreciation for everything around you really inspires me! and i think that just makes you so specially you :D. so my life's been going great! got prelims around the corner so gotta be doing alot of work! But i just want to praise and thank God that whatever mistakes i might make on the way, in my studies, in my life, His plan for me never changes!! and that I can always trust and hope in Him. thank you!!!
Child of God;
4:45 AM
Saturday, August 26, 2006
hihi! yes i'm back.. after a seriously looong time :D it's exam time again so i just haven't been able to find the time plus i won't be able to type much so here goes! (i'm so weird:)) it's been kind of a mixed few weeks for me. Ka jenny! i wanted to call and tell you and ask for advice but i'm never able to reach you when i call for some reason.. so i'll say it here ya? right before you left, you were battling with pride and i now.. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. well ever since you left i've realised how much pride I had in my life. oh my gosh i'm so proud!!! and about the stupidest things too! i mean it was much worse a few weeks ago, but God's been helping me handle it. i've just come to realise that i'm constantly judging people around me, trying to make myself superior in some way. i'm always trying to find something wrong with people who seem perfect, just so i feel better about myself. i'm even proud of my spiriual relationship with God being "closer" than certain other people!!! which is like the WORST thing to be proud of cause you can NEVER judge someone's spiritual walk with God however well you know them.. cause that's between them and God. YET, i get proud. and there's oh so many more things and the thing is, this isn't a sin that you can abstain from doing very easily.. i mean lying and cheating, you can restrain yourself, but unconsciously making judgements in my mind, secretly feeling proud that you got higher marks than someone else.. it's so hard to restrain.. it just comes! you know what God brought to my mind? Pride is the root of all evil. and it's so true!!! like in Mere Christianity C.S. Lewis writes about how it was pride, that made Lucifer want to be superior to God- and out comes Satan. and i'm really glad that God gave me that book to read before I realised all this sin in my life. He wrote how it is pride that causes greed, jealousy and so many other sins.. but God has really been helping me through all this. He reminded me of that verse my sis mom and i read when we doing Quiet Time together.. in Timothy Chapter one i think.. "This is a saying that deserves full acceptance- Christ died for sinners, of whom I am the worst". IT's really quite amazing.. that Paul, the wisest person i've ever heard of could have such humility as to adopt an "i am the worst of all sinners attitude". oooh! revelation! :D i think what he's trying to say is that we all need to adopt a mind of total servitude. i mean if i was e worst of all sinners, would i not feel inferior to everyone else all e time. so i'm thinking he probably means that we should take up an attitude of servanthood to everyone we meet. to be a servant to my friends, to my parents.. i mean not so much that i get used and stepped on..but just to always have the mindset that i am here to serve to be lower than the people around me. does that make sense? whatever it is.. all i know is i'm actually PROUD that i can admit i'm proud. the pride never ends! well no sins ever ends until Christ comes again! so till then i'll just keep praying! God has been really good to me throughout my exams.. He's always been here when i've needed Him. He's been giving me so much strength and clarity of mind and focus and hope and rest and the list goes on and on and on. God ROCKS! seriously. i tihnk i should end of with a little miracle that happened this morning ("we can't stop speaking about what we've seen and heard!"-can't remember which book in the Bible but i think Paul said it:)) so i was supposed to wake up at 5:30 cause i slept really early.. ubt i tihnk i dind't press my snooze button properly.. and by the time i woke up it was almost 7! so i almost started panicking cause i had missed out on a good 1 1/2 hours of studying but then i started getting all my messages, and last of all came from ka jenny!!! and she was saying how she hopes i'm getting enough rest and stuff, and i KNOW that God was trying to tell me.. relax. it's okay! you needed the rest.. just put your studies in My hands and trust in Me! and the super cool thing is.. my sister sent the message at 1pm yesterday morning, but i received the message EXACTLY at the time i woke up cause it came about a minute after e first few messages which were sent e night before! SO COOL right? God is such a cool God!
Child of God;
4:23 AM
Friday, July 21, 2006
hellooos! it's been quite a weird week. nothing much actually happened, but yet alot did. i mean school was boring. we had tests.. most of which i'm sure i didn't do well for. i've been practising piano like crazy cause i've got an exam next week thursday and i'm not one bit prepared. hehe. but i'm just trusting God with it now. it was real hard for me to do that at first cause it became all about the exam.. esp when ms ong started panicking and things.. ya but yesterday i thought about it, and decided like anything else.. i'm gonna do this for God and someday He'll use this skill for His glory i'm sure. so right now.. i'm just gonna do my best and let God take care of the rest. it's gonna be real hard work next week handling e work and piano. oh shishkebab. i realised something.. i can always grasp the idea of doing it FOR God but not so much e idea of doing it WITH God.. relying on His strength. and it sometimes comes to a point that i think all my achievements are all by my own strength and i totally leave God out of the picture, when it's only by God's grace that i'm achieving any of it. "in every victory, let it be said of me, my source of strength, my source of hope, is Christ alone"-- and ya, that song always comes to mind. is it just me or is my writing all formal-ish today? it feels like it. oh well. maybe i'm just having a formal day. don't ask what that means. so anyway.. e weird thing is.. God has been putting this passion for tamil in my heart. yes you heard it right.. TAMIL. i mean a few months back i was detesting it, hoping i could not do e exam in may, and here i am.. wanting to do e next one in november so i can improve my tamil. i mean that HAS to be God stirring up that passion for tamil. and i'm not sure why exactly..maybe it's leading up to a mission trip to India He wants me to go for.. or maybe it's service in the Tamil congregation.. who knows. whatever it is i'm gonna stop trying to guess and just really try to get my tamil into shape.. maybe call atthai(my predominantly tamil-speaking aunt) and talk to her for a while everyday. that'd be interesting. (what's with e formal writing? must be doing too many letters+compos) plus i think i need to move out of the youth service for a while. i think the past few weeks i've been a bit too caught up with the great music and the great company that i've been losing my focus on God. i mean at some point, i used to wait so eagerly for Sunday so that i could really spend some quality time with God cause i'm always so rushed in the week, but now all i look forward to is meeting my friends and generally to have a good time. i know it's not wrong to have a good time. i mean the Bible says rejoice, sing, dance in church but it also says to do all that praising God. i've started losing my focus on God, and my enjoyment is no longer centred on God. ya and i really didn't know what to do so i prayed and God told me to try out other services, i think mainly the SES(saturday evening service) one and the tamil service. so i think maybe next next week i'll try out these 2 services. i would this week, but one of Shalini's cousins is coming to youth service this week (WOOHOO!) so since i'm one of e few people she knows i thought i should go help her feel welcomed and invite her to our cell group. (it's NOT a compo rubhinni!) really don't know what's wrong with me today. and next week we'll be off to JB so i won't be going to church. anyway i better go before i sign of as yours sincerely Rubhinni Durai or something :D haha! anyway i need to sleep. yes. NEED. good nap!
P.S if you were wondering about my title.. today i had this weird sandwich called the famous rosemary chicken at cedele.. and it was SWEET. ya.. they put cranberry sauce on the chicken. TELL me about it.
Child of God;
11:02 PM
Monday, July 10, 2006
hi it's me again :D so it's been a few very weird weeks. I feel i'm closer to God than ever yet really far away. i've been really sad these past few days and i don't know why. i'm not sure if it's for someone else..but i don't thnk so. i have a feeling Satan's been doing this.. getting me really miserable.. to the extent that i don't want to ask God for help.. but He's been helping me anyway. Even when i am not faithful, He is. oh how many times i've experienced God's faithfulness to me. He's always there and i couldn't thank Him more for that. the aural was horrible. But i really think i deserved it. i didn't practise much or anything although i know i'm weak at tamil. i just prayed that God would give me the mark He felt i deserved and that He'd give me whatever was best for me and i've a feeling He did :D oh shishkebab. but the good thing is when i got home, i wasn't totally depressed or anything.. sad.. but not like horrified. i was doing it for God and i know i hadn't done my best to practise but God won't let this one slip-up change the course of my life and i can trust in Him nomatterwhat.. That's just what's so great about knowing God. There's just this complete sense of security. that whatever it is.. whatever may go wrong, God is still there. He's that rock that will never move from your side or stop helping or comforting or teaching you. He's the only one i can ever depend on..everything else will fade away. and right now i just feel so priviledged and so joyous that God picked me to get to know Him. no problem will ever be able to overcome me cause I've got God on my side. and that's just such a comforting truth. I sincerely cannot imagine a life without knowing God now that i do. what would i do when i get upset by someone or get afraid in the dark or afraid that an insect might come attack me any moment or stressed out during my exams or get confused with what to do with my life? What purpose would i have? now THAT would be confusing to handle. i guess i have quite taken God for granted, surely i would be nowhere if He hadn't let me get to know Him. i really can't imagine a life without Him, even if i try! He's every part of me. and i can't even start to express my gratitude.
Child of God;
3:38 AM
Saturday, June 24, 2006
so i'm back. i'm kinda freaking out. i'm' straying and i know it but i refuse to talk to God about it and I know it's Satan not letting me do that.. is not doing QT straying? i'm not sure myself:D i don't understand what God wants to do with me now.. i mean i was.. no, i AM so ready to give up everything for Him but it's now that he wants me to concentrate on my studies? i mean.. what???? i guess that's His will for me.. doesn't sound too exciting. and i keep forgetting, everything i "can" do..It's not me.. it's Him. He's the one helping me to do well He's the one helping me NOT get through to NJ and if i do.. He'll be the one to help me get through as well. and my talent at playing e piano.. singing.. that's from Him too. It's all about you Jesus. It's all about You.
Child of God;
10:49 PM
