Friday, July 30, 2010
wow, I can't believe the last time I blogged was in... January!! I'm really not great at this blogging thing! And this is the first sign that I've been in australia too long - I want to ask you how you're doing. haha! and I don't even know if anyone even reads this thing. Both here and in the US every where you go every person you meet wants to know 'how you're going'. At first it was quite touching - but then got a bit awkward when the cashier seemed to want a full account of what i'd been up to that day and what I had planned for the weekend. Maybe it's just me and my asian upbringing but I wasn't quite prepared to stand there and share my life happenings with a complete stranger. But I've been recently coming to learn that usually when people ask me 'how are you doing?' and 'what will you be up to' they are expecting simple answers like 'good!' and 'not much!' - not the detailed descriptions that i've been providing - i'm sure i've freaked many a cashier out by now! oh well.. they were asking for it!
You know I've been thinking, why the heck do I have a blog? I mean I have a journal- I record my thoughts there, I mean who am I even talking to since I'm pretty sure no one ever reads this- yet I still want to write in it. Maybe this is one way in which I express who I am/ who I want to be to others. This is the one place I can babble on and say whatever I want for however long I want without having to really care how my 'listener' feels or will react to it. and sure you can comment, but you can't interrupt. Is this a selfish thing then? Is this self-absorbed? Why do I have this need to express myself and my thoughts and let the 'whole world' know? Then again, I think this blog helps me figure out who my 'true' self is.. in the sense that, I'm not talking to one person in particular, so I'm not trying to make that person feel comfortable or adjusting to their needs and style. I am expressing my own... I guess.
It's complicated, the self. At uni I'm doing a unit on 'The Self and Others' - and at first I was quite dreading it because it is really theoretical, philosophical - and I like real, concrete stuff. But now I realise, it's really making me think in a different way. It's making me think about the way I interact with others- how I define me, how I help others define themselves and vice versa. Really interesting stuff. And I wonder, is there a point at which you understand - you finally figure out the kinda person you are? (A friend once told me your brain only matures fully when you hit 25.. maybe then?) I guess not- not ever fully, because then I'd be undermining the work of God. He is complex, and so is His creation. But it's definitely frustrating - I'm an impatient kind of person - I want to know, everything.. now. But when you have a world full of complex people thrown into this complex situation called life with a complex God in charge of it all - it's impossible to understand everything - life is complicated. And I'll be honest, alot of the time I don't have the patience to sit around and make mistakes, take baby steps and learn, and that's my downfall. Task-oriented people like me belong behind a desk doing admin I tell you! :P So I guess in that sense having a blog is good for me- it forces me to take baby steps and figure out what i'm thinking where i'm at. Strangely enough, though it seems like I'm typing this to someone else - the person I'm really writing to is me. Not that I don't want anybody to read this (though I have no idea why they would!)- but I can't express to myself who I am (through expressing who I want to be) if there is no 'other' to express it to. and that makes me think - is who I want to be, part of who I am?? I think so. A friend of mine once told me there is no point in taking personality tests cause that's not who you are - it's who you'd like to think you are. But I'd say - who I'd like to be is very much part of who I am, even if not explicitly.
It's been a confusing year, trying to figure out who I am - who I want to be - how much that's tied in to who others want me to be. and I know for sure if not for God's grace in my life I'd have torn myself up by now, frustrated that I can't figure me out and that I'm taking this long (I know, I am quite the perfectionist). It's scary that I have all this expectation of myself, and it makes me wonder do I have it of others as well, especially those older than me, to have all the answers, to have it all figured out. And if there's one thing that keeps me sane it's that God loves me despite me - despite my confusion and dilemma, despite my brokenness and facades, despite my embarrassments and insecurities- He gives me the grace to make those mistakes, take those baby steps. Cause through Christ's death and in His eyes I am already everything I'm striving to be, everything He wants me to and created me to be. It's mysterious and strange, but true. That I can know myself to be one thing, yet know to be another in God's eyes. 'For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified' Hebrews 10:14 what kind of love is this?? it's too amazing, a Love that perfects those who believe in it. so I know I can hold on to this one Truth - in which I am completely sure of - while I tackle all the other truths life presents me (and sometimes confuses me!) with. Life is hard, but God is good.
Child of God;
6:57 PM
Saturday, December 19, 2009
so.. i'm back at long last hehe :) i was lying on my bed just now and kinda frustrated at God. I know He exists and I know all He's done in my life but I wanted to know and I asked him quite shamelessly - why can't you just show yourself? why can't you just be visible so that everyone will see? so that everyone will know who you are and turn to you? so that people wont think i'm completely nuts? :P and I was kinda expecting an answer that went something like - you can't understand the mysteries of God, or who are you to question God and His ways - but instead i felt God shoot me a question in return - who says being able to see something makes it more real? in fact who says being able to feel or smell or hear something makes it more real too? 'Haven't your eyes tricked you more than once Ruby?' He asked me. 'Haven't you thought you saw something that wasn't really there after all? your eyes 'playing tricks' on you as they say. Haven't you smelt or tasted something before and thought it was something else? How reliable are your senses? Can they really prove to you what is real and what is not? In fact, the things that you know for sure, you cannot see or hear or touch or smell - a mother's love, the hope that life will get gradually better, the existence of right and wrong. These things can't be measured or logically reasoned but for some reason you know them to be more true than most things.
I was pretty blown away by the things God was challenging me with but how true they are! And
so I can truly say more than anything else in the world I KNOW the presence and love of my mighty God. I'm not imagining it even if science tries to tell me I am - I know it with every morsel in my body with every inch of my spirit and every bit of my soul - if not anything else in the world - I know this to be true - Jesus loves me.
Child of God;
6:27 AM
Saturday, November 21, 2009
What hurts the most
You know I was just thinking about what exactly hurts the most when it comes down to it all. And I really feel, at least at this point in my life, that it's getting into a routine of things and then having it taken away. Like having to move to a new environment, whether it's school or work or family or friends, like always having something to anticipate, like a weekly meeting or school or some other regular event and then suddenly having it taken away. Like seeing a loved one, knowing they are there, talking to them, and then all of a sudden they pass away or move away for good. Somehow nothing can prepare us for that kind of loss, even when we know it's coming. It still hurts! Especially when we find out how much we'd taken that person/thing/event for granted. We always wish we'd treasured them just that little bit more! but so many times that is so impossible in the immediate. I guess what routines do is give us some sort of stability in our lives, a kind of happiness and peace, like 'phew! there's something constant happening in my life!' When someone's gone from my life, I usually miss them most when I'm doing something I used to do with them, but not anymore. When my routine gets disrupted and suddenly not as enjoyable anymore. Is that really selfish?? Maybe it is, maybe it's just part of being human. Sometimes routines can be something you don't really enjoy during the process, but you somehow seem to still miss it when it's gone. I guess that's all part of routines never being totally perfect. People, ourselves, events, things not being perfect and so I know that I can easily find fault in every aspect of my life that I crave stability in. It could be 'that person wasn't very nice to me today' or 'today's episode didn't even make sense' or 'this book just wasn't as good as the last' or 'practice was just way too draining today' or 'school sucked today'. And I do and say things that I regret later when I realise just how much I treasured what that thing meant for my life. Fact is I'm a selfish being alot of the time and I know that if I don't already know that, then I'm one of the worst. I can alot of the time, only see what's infront of me, feel what is happening at that moment, and not look at the circumstance in the perspective of my whole life, of others' whole lives - see then I'd be Jesus, and i'm not. of course I'll try, but I'm imperfect, and regret is gonna be an inevitable feeling that i'm gonna have to deal with throughout my life. (thankfully that's what Jesus died to deal with for me!) Still, I search for stability in my life everyday in so many things, even when they can disappoint me. I search for stability in constantly changing, and imperfect factors- and it doesn't really work. Now, it's selfish to demand perfect stability from an imperfect something (even our imperfect selves), but is it selfish to want that stability and constant joy? I don't think so.. I think we're made that way. I think it's very typically human to crave satisfaction and stability. Well then if we're made that way then there must be a solution.. something that never changes and satisfies unconditionally. Surely a God wouldn't create desires in our hearts so that we are doomed to always be searching and not finding, waiting and never finding the answer, no I don't think we have to look very far :)
Definitely one major thing I've been learning this year is that I need to have a God routine. Whether it's just waking up every morning and reading a bible passage and hearing from and learning from Him or talking to Him on my way to school (not out loud of course!!! :P) or singing Him a song before I head to bed, telling Him about my day, letting Him renew my strength again, knowing every second that He's here beside me understanding my every feeling, my every thought. I remember my friend once telling our group of friends how everyone has a habit/routine that they do before going to bed. For her, it was talking on the phone to someone, be it her boyfriend, her parents, a friend, before she went to sleep. Another friend said how she had to watch a little bit of a korean drama before she got to bed!! :P I didn't answer, but after thinking a little while, I knew I couldn't end my day without talking to God, without telling Him how much I loved Him and saying sorry for any stupid things I did during the day. See, He is my constant. He's the only one who can truly and honestly and wholly love me despite whatever I might have done to hurt Him or anyone during the day. He's the only one who is always, every second by my side, and He's the only one who understands me totally, who gets me!! He's the only one who can save me from any, and I mean ANY problem i'm in and heal me of any pain I have. He's the only one who will never leave me or forsake me or stop loving me! That's why He's my routine. Just by knowing He's with me He's my routine. And to put that burden of being my routine on any human or any event is being unfair to them and to myself; is being silly.
For long time I thought helping others is all I wanted to do and all I needed. Others would be my world, my life. But too soon I realised how 1) dangerous (I was getting involved in people's private, sacred, confidential, mouldable lives) and 2) tiring (I gave myself the task of being responsible FOR another's life and what they did with it) it became. People were dependent on me and I in a strange , unhealthy but very real way was also dependent on them. I was trying to live off the happiness I got from helping them. I made others my aim, my purpose my primary concern. It all sounds very good and honourable but it really is the worst thing you can do for anyone and for yourself. It didn't matter how many 'outlets' i had, however many journals and people I could talk to, suddenly what was meant to be about 'them' became rapidly about me needing my daily fix of 'I did something good today for somebody'. It all started crumbling really bad esp when my help just wasn't helping anymore and I started becoming to emotionally drained to be of any actual help to anybody. I started getting annoyed and frustrated, I couldn't do it on my own. I really thank God that He sent people my way to show me that in essence, I'm not gonna be of any real help to anybody if I'm not happy myself first. The minute my world revolves around anybody, i'm not going to be able to help them. No, my world needs to be revolving constantly around the only true source of joy and strength, my Creator. And slowly as I made my routine God and got expert advice from Him about how to help, when to help and when not to, I was actually of some proper assistance to people. And yes, of course it made me happy to help them, but more than anything, I was joyful dwelling with my God, hearing from Him ,drawing my strngth from Him and working for Him , who never disappoints!! :) :) :)
So I'm not saying routines are bad, I need routines, if my life is constantly changing and i'm constantly trying different things I think i'll go crazy!!! I need to find out what I'm good at and focus on a few things, I need to have a plan especially when it comes to studying haha! :P but I know that no routine except my God routine will ever be forever constant and will bring me constant satisfaction!! so I need to add my God routine to my every day!! :) :) :)
Child of God;
7:21 PM
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Another thing I’ve learnt from mum is to GET MY PRIORITIES RIGHT! I think the biggest thing that’s left an impact on me is the fact that my mom took time off work for me when I was a baby!!!! Yes I was screaming and crying and wouldn’t let go of her leg while she tried to leave the house!! But instead of pushing me off she decided to take another...(oh no I can’t rmb!!!) few months off work just to take care of me and keep nursing me and oh psychologists today would tell you she did the right thing!! But most of all I treasure that story because however many things my mom had to do, whatever plans she had before her, however many months of leave she’d already taken up till then, she chose to take care of her family first, career second. Soon enough she’d come to find that this stubborn baby turned into an even more stubborn two-year-old with even more tantrums and tears, and her tactics would definitely change!! :P but that story of her laying aside her job to give me some extra lovin, I will always keep dear to my hearttt!!! And I am glad to say that HOWEVER many positions my mom’s been offered throughout her career, and however manny opportunities she’s taken hold of to advance her career, my mom has never ever become a workaholic!!!!! Woohooo!! I never thought of how hard this must’ve been for mum! 1) just the fact that she is brilliant at what she does, in fact, at WHATEVER she does- and how tempting the praise and the potential pay-rises would’ve have been were she to spend long nights at the office! 2) living in Singapore –the kiasu nation- and having workmates who are out to compete and win , who have crazy expectations of themselves -it’s shocking that i don’t remember my mom ever getting influenced by them! No mum is always ready to come home, even if coming home means she has to do a million and one more things like cooking dinner and putting the clothes for laundry, clearing the dining table (yet again!), calling and finding out where everyone is... I remember I’d always call mum around 5/6 (even today!! :P) wondering when she would be back and counting down the hours (maybe fill it up with a little tv?) till she did! But I could always be sure I would hear the distinct jungle of mum’s keys soon enough! (unless of course she was having one of her ladies’ nights we were never invited to!! :P) mum’s always had her priorities right when it came to her job too. It never became about the money it was always about the passion and about God’s voice. Her priority has always been to impact young lives through the skills and love that God’s given her and that is always her aim! She’s had so many many children, not just students! She is always checking with God that she’s on the right track and letting Him rule her life and guide her, even if it’s not the way she woulda planned it, cause she knows only her Father knows her way, the perfect future for her! And what more wonderful plans He must have for her, how exciting!!! And because of that mum’s given me the freedom to choose MY passion in uni over what may be more certain but also more torturous. She’s left my plans up to God and has never tried to plan my life for me!! Instead she’s lived life in a way that would teach me and help me to make the right decision. She set the example and help me get my priorities straight!!! :)
I LOVE YOU MOM!!!
Rubsa!
Child of God;
2:46 PM
Friday, November 06, 2009
Dedicated to my mother on her birthday!!
Life lessons I’ve learnt from my mom (a.k.a momster, a.k.a muzzie, a.k.a mazda) ... SO FAR! J
Ok of course apart from the usual ‘Rubsa don’t stick coins on the wall!’ ‘Rubsa careful you don’t staple your finger’ (i did it 3 times!), ‘ ‘Rubsa be careful of that mug!’, ‘Rubsa don’t pick all the rubbish off the shopping centre floor!’, ‘Rubsa don’t play the harmonica on your teeth with your nails!’ (don’t ask.) and the ever so infamous- ‘Rubsa YOU NEED TO BE MORE CAREFUL OF YOUR THINGS!’ (on record i’ve misplaced around 10 wallets (retrieved 7/10 times) and 2 handphones (once taxi, once ACJC toilet :P)... on record. Hehe.), I’ve learnt many many things from just watching my mom live and learning from her! So I thought I would start sharing just a few that i’ve learnt, starting with one today!
Lesson #1 – Jesus loves you more.
I think one thing that I have quite unconsciously kept with me all these many many years is that Jesus loves me more. From when I was so very very little and being potty trained even, I remember my mom used to ask me – ‘Who loves you?’ and my response was of course, ‘mommy!!’ and then she would ask – ‘Who loves you more than mommy does?’ and I would shout ‘JESUS!!!’ and however much that might have become a routine for me at that time, it was a truth that has become so ingrained in me and has kept my life so much in perspective! Fact is, my mom knew there would be times that I would be mad at her, disappointed with her and ‘not friend her’! she knew there’d be times when she would get frustrated with me and I would disappoint her! She knew that neither of us could love each other unconditionally, and she knew that she couldn’t always be there for me, and she knew that she couldn’t fix everything wrong that would happen in my life. So instead she turned me toward the true source of unconditional, unlimited, unchanging, Love, Jesus! Instead she pointed me toward the only One who will always always always be there for me and who can save me from any bad situation, any hopeless circumstance. See, I think a mother, like mine, that can say to her baby, who she has cared for and sacrificed time and work and money and energy and heart for, who she has taught and apprehended and helped grow and nurture, ‘Jesus loves you more’ is a truly loving mother!! A mother that doesn’t take any of the credit, but accredits my growth to her God, who however much she loves me, acknowledges her imperfections and points to the greatest Love instead of to herself, she is a mother who truly loves and who is truly wise and who truly deserves the special and incomparable role, ‘MOTHER’!! Because of this lesson she taught me from such a young age I have learnt to depend on God – despite the situation, whether big or small, and He has never ever failed me! She taught me to love Him first, and because of that my heart could never get that broken, because it was rooted in, founded on His never-ending Love for me. Every time I feel upset, or my heart gets too heavy for me, I run to my room – yes sometimes to bawl my eyes out when no-one’s looking, but mostly to say God I know You’re here with me, come and be my comforter, come and be my strength, come and be my fortress in my time of need! See, my mom ensured, that my first point of reference, my help, will be the One who will and can never let me down!! Thank you mommy!!!!!!!!!!!
Who loves you mom??? –RUBSA!!
Who loves you more than Rubsa mom?? JESUS!!!!!!
:D :D :D
Love,
Rubsa
Child of God;
7:31 PM
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
hello! i will officially be back on the 7TH OF DECEMBER!! can't wait to see everyone back home!!!! I MISS YOU ALL SO MUCH I'M SORRY I DON'T KEEP IN CONTACT AS I SHOULD!! PLEASE REMEMBER I STILL LOVE YOU GUYS VERY VERY VERY MUCH!!!! friends having a-levels i can't start to imagine what it's like for u guys right now but i'm praying hard from over here for u guys =) don't compromise your health for your exams alright it's not worth it! will post more soon! =) =) =) =)
Child of God;
5:58 AM
Sunday, October 12, 2008
yes i'm baaaccckk =) it feels good to be back! not that i actually have the time to be back but it's a GREAT form of procrastination if you ask me! my past month has been amazing and i've learnt so much. it's time to buckle down and study from now on unfortunately =( it's still annoying having to do my washing and cleaning and sometimes cooking in the middle of all this but it's stime i get used to it! i mean i'm already getting served dinner here i have no idea what it's gonna be like if i had to come home and cook dinner everyday! it would be horrible =( i mean i'm totally fine if i were a simple housewife (and i'm NOT saying that the job of a housewife is simple! trust me. i've watched ENOUGH operah to know better!) with my main priorities being cooking, cleaning and teaching the kids. aaahh what a good life. i mean i bet if i actually had time to cook i would form a passion for it! maybe even for cleaning the dishes but now it's just an extra chore on tp of everything else. ok enough of my complaining! =) school has been good. i'm really enjoying the stuff i'm learning and the annoying bits in math are finally over and done with! the harder essays are done (with not excellent results but hey.. it's done!) and now it's just about committing more time to my work. sorry to all the singapore kids out there who are slaving over As and therefore probably not even reading this but i love the way things are taught here and i love the stuff i'm studying.. not so excited about uni now but ahh that's 5 months away! i know the year's not over yet and the tough exams are only gonna be in november but i really have enjoyed this year and i wanna take time to tell my mom who may be reading this that i'm really really grateful to you for sending me here i couldn't have thought of a better solution! :D i actually love australia.. so much so that i'm really not so keen on going back to singapore anymore :P i mean i really wanna see my family and friends but i'd rather them all come here! i KNOW i'm gonna get really annoyed at singapore's regimented system of doing things and just how unfriendly everyone is. it really annoys me! esp after seeing how much better things could be if people just had a smile on their face! :P i know i always talk about God but i really can't help it He's been doing so many great things in my life i can't help but talk about it! :D I recently went to church camp in the country and i had an awesome time!! God spoke to me so clearly about some problems I was facing and two people prophesied (told me something about my future which God revealed to them) over me! The prophecies spoke so much hope into my life cause they talked about how God was gonna grow me without me having to DO anything but trust Hima nd how he was gonna use the least of me to impact and help others, that He will use me so that the birds of the air can come nest in my branches. So much more passion for God and the bible has just been growing in me and I've been learning so so so so much more and at the same time so so so much more humbled by the greatness of God. this past month I've seen His healing in church.. so many people have been healed of muscle problems and other injuries. infact my japanese friend, Natsuki who lives with me in the hostel and who i brought to church was healed of her muscle pull in her archeles tendant after we had prayed for her and now she's a happy and free ballerina our God is so great!
God has also been showing me just how much power work has had over my life. I fasted for 21 days from 2 hours of sleep in the morning (during which i usually study/ do homework) and just prayed instead. It was so amazing and slowly I came to realize how much i lived to study. even when i didn't need to study and i could relax i felt guilty for not studying. i couldn't enjoy any of my weekends cause i would be stressing over the amount of work i had due. but i learnt that however much studying is a priority here for me I cannot allow myself to let it control me, cannot allow myself to live for it, to please myself or even my parents. cause in the end it is still.. meaningless. it seems only an eternal cause is worth working for.. :P so in general life has been good! learning LOADS and hopefully growing up at last! :P love you all back home! missing you badly! will post again soon =)
Child of God;
2:12 AM
